Before people start flipping out, this is my opinion. This is why I think that putting people ONLY into “straight,” “gay,” or “bi” categories based on only one aspect of their sexuality is troubling.
Not because I want to fuck up the staus quo.
Not because I don’t want to be called gay.
Only because, for some, the categories ignore more than half of their experience.
In all honesty, I wish we could do away with labels, and everyone could just do there own thing without criticism. But I know we never will. Ever. At least not in my lifetime, or your lifetime, or your children’s lifetime, or your grandchildren’s lifetime. So if we’re going to use labels, we might as well make them as flexible and customizable as possible.
How do you experience romantic attraction?
When I experience it it’s basically just infatuation rather than any interest in being romantic, with one exception to that, sort of…
Physically, it actually feels a lot like a panic attack when you see them, but it’s pleasant rather than that “just kill me now” feeling. Heart racing (or fluttering/melting sensation), butterflies in my stomach, stuff like that. Only in one case has it included/intertwined with a desire to cuddle with them (sensual attraction) & want to hang out with them to form a bond (interpersonal attraction).
Mentally, it’s a mix between anxiety, euphoria & this surreal dreamy state of mind. I become captivated by them, like they’re all I can focus on when they’re around. Emotions tend to win out over any reasonable thinking.
It varies a little from person to person. Like in one case a certain symptom may be nonexistent & in a different case another symptom may be more prominent or intense, but the cluster of feelings tends to be consistent enough to distinguish that type of attraction from another.
Anonymous asked: What does non binary mean?
Non-binary is an umbrella term used to cover any and all gender identities that do not fit in the standard binary of man and woman.
So basically…. society expects everyone to be either a man or a woman. When babies are born the doctor says it is one of those, and for the most part, the baby grows up living according to the doctor’s proclamation. Sometimes, somewhere along the way, the baby/child/adult realizes they’re actually the opposite gender. All of this is binary. There are two genders, and everyone is one and exactly one of those genders.
Sometimes, instead of the baby/child/adult realizing they’re the opposite gender, they realize that they’re neither (or both) gender. Maybe they’re agender, or gender neutral, or bigender, third gender, or pangender. Maybe they identify with one of the many, many other words that has been invented to describe gender. All of these are non-binary genders, because they do not fit into the standard binary of man and woman.
I hope this helps!
(and sorry for my not-so-great writing skills early in the morning)
Sorry this blog has been inactive lately. I’ll attempt to fix that. In the meantime, how about a question of the week?
How do you experience romantic attraction? What does it physically and/or mentally feel like? Does it feel different when you’re romantically attracted to different people? Have you ever been confused about whether or not you are experiencing romantic attraction, and if so, what did you feel like and why were you confused? If you don’t experience romantic attraction, what do you imagine it feeling like?
Remember that you can submit in any form that tumblr will allow, and that you can be anonymous if you want (more details above the submission form)!
1. Firstly, this blog? Great idea.
2. Annnyways, I shall start off by saying I am a female who identifies as a demi-hetero-sexual/romantic. However, due to the fact that a. I’m not looking to date anyone at the moment, b. it keeps my friends from trying to hook me up with someone, and c. it’s just simpler to explain, I tell people I’m asexual. I did actually identify as asexual up until recently, but I think demi fits better. This took a little while to figure out. I don’t just look at someone and go “Oh, they’re attractive”. The shirtless guys poster that occasionally pops up in one of my magazines? Trashed immediately. I don’t find it attractive. But then I think (for a big long list of reasons I won’t bother you with) that I /would/ find a guy attractive were he someone I already had a bond established with (-cough- more like were he a real-life version of my favorite fictional character -cough-) The same basically goes for romantic attraction. Seeing as I’ve never actually dated, liked, or had any type of romantic relationship with anyone before, I suppose it could be called a theory, but it feels quite comfortable.
Can there be a “Confused” tag?
My sexual attraction has always confused me. I know that I feel sexual desire. I enjoy touching myself, and there are some instances where I believe that I would be interested in others touching me, but I’ve never been as certain about my sexual desire. I have wondered if the term demisexual might be better applied to me ever since I’ve heard of it, though the idea of being asexual has never felt like it fit properly.
I believe most of my confusion stems from the fact that while I understand that many people are aestheticically attractive, I don’t want to have sex with them. I often find them beautiful and find myself admiring their physical features the same way I find myself enjoying a fine painting. Their appearance does not arouse sexual desire in me though. It is a little bit like an Easter egg. The outside can be attractive, but it won’t always indicate what the insides are like.
The insides seem to be what matter most to me, usually. Hearing someone express themselves in an articulate manner can excite me, as can having intimate conversations. I also find that being in intimate situations with people I know well can be exciting while it would be disturbing to me if it were a stranger, even one that I found pleasing to look at. The people I know are the ones I find myself admiring sexually and daydream about engaging in sexual behaviors with.
If that were all of my attraction, I don’t think I would hesitate to label myself as demisexual. My problem is that I’m not always sure how my attraction to specific acts factor into it. While I may not be sexually attracted to a specific individual, I might find myself getting aroused by the way they dance or the way they interact with others. I have found myself getting aroused over the idea of them being in certain situations, but that’s still not an actual sexual attraction to the person, in my opinion. They were chosen because they were pleasing to look at in this fantasy, but not because I actually wanted them sexually. The fact that they are there just means that I wanted something more realistic than an open space in my sexual day dream and they just happened to be there.
I’m basing my understanding of sexual attraction off of how it makes my body feel. Looking at someone that I think is aesthetically pleasing does not create any type of sexual response. If they get chosen for a sexual fantasy because I think that they would be pleasing in a certain situation, there is a physical response. My breathing begins to feel a little different, though I doubt it’s noticeable from the outside. My fingers and toes all suddenly feel the need to be cracked. My shoulders tense and my thighs clench. The muscles in my vulva get pulled taunt, and there’s a rising feeling that I’ve come to associate with my glans erecting. If I keep thinking about the situation, often I end up switching out the original person for someone that’s chosen out of the group of people I think of myself as being sexually attracted to.
The fantasy gets hotter to me at that point and my breathing does shift noticeably. I start having trouble staying still. It’s like all the parts of me that I ignore for most of the day are suddenly alive and all need to move at once. As it builds, my vagina starts to clench and the rising feeling in my glans becomes constant. The part of me that is so loudly non-binary begins to act up and all I want to do is grind myself against the person from the fantasy. It isn’t the grinding motion that I tend to associate with vulva-owners where the outer labia are ground against a thigh, but more of the motion I tend to associate with penis-owners where the motions seem looser and less confined. It’s still all about making contact, but it seems less trapped and more demanding. Once I reach this point, movement becomes confusing and harder to stand. I can feel my inner labia rubbing against each other as I move my hips because they glide now. My body is lubricating and that indication somehow increases the excitement.
At this point, I’m completely certain that I’m sexually aroused by whatever I’m thinking of. Given the chance, I’ll masturbate to relieve the desire, though the attraction to the situation is still there. If that’s not possible, I can switch my focus as long as I do so without lingering or turning back to the though. The third option becomes less about the attraction to the situation, and more about the sexual desire I’m feeling at that point. This is when I tend to stop fantasizing, but I can’t get over how my body is responding. If I focus on the desire (often the ability to focus on what was sexually attractive before is lost by this stage), it gets painful. My nipples harden, but instead of being pleased by the stimulation, it’s like I’m grinding them against sand or pieces of a brick. They’re over-sensitive. My glans starts to hurt a little, and my underwear becomes uncomfortable. The worst part is that I begin to get a terrible ache approximately where my ovaries are. This has lasted for nearly an hour sometimes and reduces all sexual desire. The pain kills any chance of pleasure. At this point, the situation or person that I found sexually attractive is completely out of my mind. I have no interest in fantasizing about or engaging in sexual activity with them.
Mod note: “Confused” has been added as a tag to your post, and as an option for submitting!
Topic/Question of the Day: Sexual Attraction
For those of you who experience sexual attraction, what is it like? What goes through your mind when you experience it? What does it physically feel like?
For those of you who don’t experience sexual attraction, what do you imagine it feels like?
For those of you who aren’t sure whether you experience it or not, what are you confused about? What do you feel like when you think you might be experiencing sexual attraction?
Anonymous asked: I love love love this blog! It's beautiful, interesting, and just goddamn fabulous. Thank you sooo much!
Wow, thank you!!
I got this text from a friend a few nights ago:
Nothing makes you question your sexuality like watching diving at the olympics.
I had a similar experience to this not long ago, while watching the men’s gymnastics prelims. So, the question I pose to you, is have you ever felt like this? What was it like? Describe the situation. What exactly made you confused?
I’m eternally fascinated with people. Just… people; gender is immaterial. I’m an intimacy junkie. I’ve found that the vast majority of people have something wonderful and strange and captivating beneath the surface, and I take it upon myself to try and excavate that. All it takes is a flicker, an outward sign of that inner marvel— maybe it’s a doodle in a notebook, or an interesting scar— and then the curiosity is instant and intensely all-encompassing. It is sexual, I suppose; it’s all about sex, in a way, but equally not at all. I want to know how you look when the sweater comes off, but no more than I want to know what you hum when you’re fixing your lunch or which authors changed your life or if you’re afraid of growing old. The important thing is being let in.
For this reason, I’m nearly incapable of staying single, and for this reason, I think I probably should. Sometimes I wish I didn’t fall so hard so fast. There are so many people in this world worth falling in love and spending your life with—infinitely many— and I’ve only got one life.
It’s also a bit of a challenge acknowledging the fact that some folks are never going to meet me on that level of passion and authenticity, especially straight away. Small talk baffles me. As difficult as it is for me to be exclusive (what with falling in love with every beautiful human being that looks my way), even more lost on me is the idea of “keeping it casual” or taking it slow. That’s not to say I can’t sustain my feelings for long periods of time: I was madly in love with my boyfriend for two years before I ever spoke a word to him, and now two years into our relationship I’m just as smitten as ever.